I've spent the last 12 hours pondering the nature of friendship. Mostly because, as far as I can see, one of mine is over. In the very short time I stayed on the phone with this friend when she called I was basically told I am not a good friend. So that got me thinking ... because it could very well be true. The key would be what do I consider friendship and what do I expect from my friends once I have them and what should they expect from me.In person I have about 4 women that I talk to on a fairly regular basis ... not 'see' really but 'talk to' because we are all busy and I highly dislike messing with my routine or, in fact, leaving my house. Of those 4 I would not likely call on any of them for help because I know they are busy and have children so if I need someone to watch my kids or do something for me I try to get my Mom to do it or arrange things with my man(because they're his kids too). I would if I saw no other way though and think they would be there for me as I would be there for them, no questions asked because that's what friends are for, right?
So is part of friendship being there when you are needed? I think so. Am I there when I'm needed? I don't know ... I guess not always and certainly not in the way I may be needed just because I am the way I am.
I am an odd person, it's who I am. I own that and try to let everyone know that 'normal' really isn't in my parameters. I call myself an "Antisocial Extrovert" because I prefer to be home over any other place but enjoy talking on the phone for hours about all sorts of stuff. I don't do parties and rarely enjoy even small get togethers and highly dislike crowds(because humanity in general irritates me). Another friend of mine says it sounds like I have Social Anxiety and it comes out as this irritation and general grumpiness I feel when I am stuck in crowds ... I tend to agree.
With that in mind I try to be up front about what I think and what I say ... I don't play games. Little shocks me and I have had people tell me things and then be surprised at how little I react to it. The flip side of that is that I am very likely to say exactly what is running through my head without thinking first how it may be perceived by the person I am speaking to. I have no thought checker and it causes major problems often. If I do pause to think it's usually along the lines of what would upset me not what would upset another person because I have no handle at all on what will upset other people. How can I? We all have hugely different experiences in life and have different sensitivities. My Mom is very blunt and out-spoken and that is what I'm used to. Her words often sting a little but are always honest and exactly what she thinks so there is no guess work. I tend to be the same.
I make a pretty good sounding board if you are looking for honesty even at the cost of your feelings ... I think I am a pretty good friend. I'm not the nicest or easiest friend and I try to be clear about that right from the start. I mess up and I hurt others with the things I say and I apologize when I do and then I expect everyone to move on. I may very well make the same darn mistake again and soon, I'll feel badly that I hurt you but I'll make no excuses.
This is me.
It doesn't really help with how I feel right now(pretty miserable) because it's always hard to lose a friend and I feel this one really could use my help right now. Sadly I really don't seem to help her at all and only hurt her and make her mad because I am inept, insensitive and ignorant. If she reads this I hope she understands that I do care and she will be in my thoughts and I hope in everyone else's as well. I only want good things for her ... she's had enough rotten things happen to her for 10 lifetimes. I guess one of the good things may very well be not having me in her life to upset and anger her.
So what is friendship? I have no idea ... I only know that it hurts when you lose it.
Cass :(
2 comments:
No friendship is perfect, Cass.
Friendship is something between two people, and people are inherently fallible.
While you know I agree that you can be somewhat brutal in your honestly - harsh even if you prefer that term - you have always owned your words. ALWAYS.
You know I value your friendship, I love you - faults and all.
Now, if you were perfect - I'd likely have to hate you just 'cuz.
I hope that your friend comes around in time, I have a feeling she is at a low point right now though, and it may take some time.
Or it may be time to move on - I don't know.
Two thoughts for you on this topic:
I pride myself on being a good friend. I keep my circle of friends relatively small so I can give the attention I think each one warrants without drowning in obligation to anyone. The best New Years Resolution I ever made was this: I vow to make sure each of the people in my life knows they are they by my choice. This means different things to my different relationships. Sometimes its a phone call on a Sunday afternoon. Sometimes its accompanying someone on an errand. Sometimes its a card out of the blue. But always it is something, some small gesture. That kind of giving (that most often costs me nothing) gives back to me tenfold.
Contrary, sometimes relationships are meant to end. I had a very close friend "break up with me" some years ago and it stung. She had been staying at my place while she got on her feet. I came home one day to find her stuff gone and no note or anything. When she appeared a few days later for her mail, she told me what a bad person and awful friend I'd been. This after she'd lived at my place rent free for months as a favor. I was hurt not only that I felt used by her, but also that she had this anger toward me and never said it. Our time was over and that was eventually okay with me. People grow apart sometimes. Don't lament.
Besides, you've still got me. Haha!
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